she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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