In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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