I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
