so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I love having hate sex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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