How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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