So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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