Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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