I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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