hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
