does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
