Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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