I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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