this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
