i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
