My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
