Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
