Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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