Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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