the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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