Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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