o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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