There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
