I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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