I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
