living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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