she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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