Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
