found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
