meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
