whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sorry about my life...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
