Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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