it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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