i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
