I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
