I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
