hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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