i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
