Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
