You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
