He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
