You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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