I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
