Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
