I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
