I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
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They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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