im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She told me I should be a condom model.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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