well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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