put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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