Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
