I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Blood and glitter go together right?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
