you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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