She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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