and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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