Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I need water and some morals
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
