The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
